Posts Tagged ‘Jamaican Jokes’

Once a plane was travelling to Australia. The engine failed, therefore the passengers were given parachutes. The Jamaican man made his jump, his parachute opened successfully. However, a Chinese fell pass him to his death, being unable to open his parachute. The Jamaican thought the Chinese was trying to outdo him and said to himself “Yuh naw win dis time, mi tired fi see black man lose”. With that he cut his parachute loose.

Three men, a Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was the first to face them. He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as the command : “Ready, aim…” was given he shouted “Earthquake!”. Terrified at such a natural disaster, the firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped. When the Trinidadian’s turn came, after “Ready, aim…” he shouted “Hurricane!”. Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away and he escaped. The Jamaican smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was sure he would escape. As the command “Ready, aim…” was given, with a broad grin he shouted: “Fire!”

This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday. He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home. She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard. As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: “Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!”. Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: “Who the hell is that?” “I am the devil”, she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: “Damned pleased to meet you. I’m Harold Jones. I married your sister.”

A certain staff member at a tourist resort had just started learning German and had been told to practice as much orally as possible. The staff member decided to start practicing with a co-worker who had absolutely no knowledge of the language. The co-worker did a good deed one day and, in reply, the German practicer said politely “DANKE” (which means ‘thank you’). The co-worker, shocked, replied loudly and defensively: “Donkey like yuh pupa!”

Fidel Castro of Cuba, Maurice Bishop of Grenada and Michael Manley of Jamaica were returning from a meeting with Mikael Gorbachev in Moscow in the late 1970s. However, there was a powercut over the entire Caribbean, so the pilot of the plane they were in could not identify which country they were over so the plane could land.

The three leaders reassured him that they could identify their respective nations, as long as he opened a window. This the pilot immediately did. After flying for a while, Castro shouted: “Si! This is my beloved Cuba. I smell the sugar!” The pilot then located the landing strip, let off Castro and took off again. Bishop then erupted: “There she is, my spice island. Smell that nutmeg!” The pilot landed, let off Bishop and took off again, with only Manley on board. “What about you sir?”, he enquired, “How are you going to identify your country?” “Everything is under control” Manley replied. He then stuck his hand with a $50,000 gold watch outside the window. When he took it back in, the watch was gone. “We’re over Jamaica!” he announced.

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, “Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems!

They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are “styling”. Angels must have two wings to fly!

The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven’t washed their robes since they arrived because they don’t do “day’s work”. Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don’t like “ital” food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don’t fit right over their hairstyles. Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their “bashments”, disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile.

What should I do?!” The Lord said, “It wouldn’t be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don’t know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let’s call the Devil.”

The Devil answered the phone and said, “Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?” The Lord said, “We have a problem up here, and we’d like to talk to you about it.” The Devil said, “Just a minute, I’ve got to put you on hold.” The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, “OK Lord, I’m back. What’s up?” The Lord said, “Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here.” Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, “Lord, I am really sorry, but I can’t talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here … They have just put out the fire!”

After a hard day at work Puncie arrived home and walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with another woman. The woman was asleep but Puncie’s husband was awake and shaking with Fear of what Puncie would do.

Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, “Puncie, me lub,me sarry”. Puncie replied, “yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi don wid har. Den yu wi sarry!” Puncie’s husband said, “lawd Puncie man, no gwane so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima wey we drive? a she buy it gi mi.Yu si yu weddin ban an diaman ringpan yu finga, a fi har money me tek buy it gi yu. An a wey yu tink me get de money fi pay di magage dis month?” Puncie stopped for a few seconds to think then replied, “Den cova har up no? We no want har fi kech cole!!”

Romie looking exasperated threw one more pebble at the window. His frustration mounts and his patience is wearing thin)

Romie: Cho. Mi tell dis girl say me a come over after mi done play ball and she must leave di winda open and now she nuh deh yah. Mi is a man can’t tek badderation enuh. A what time now (peers at fake Rolex). Rahtid, half past nine. (Whispers loudly) Jules! Jules! Wait deh, see her light come on deh. Jules!

Julie: ( come to window half asleep) Romie? Romie? Wherefore art yuh deh? Oh baby. Deny yuh Puppa and refuse yuh name. And if yuh no want do that, swear say yuh love me ’cause I no longer want to be a Johnson.

Romie: (aside) Bwoy, this gal yah can chat yuh see man! My time fi talk now, give me a chance.

Julie: Is only yuh name me no like, Romie. What kind a last name you have, McIntyre? It sound like a burger in a car tire. Is not your hand, or yuh, foot, or yuh arm or yuh face that bother me (well, yuh face bother mi sometime), but is yuh name. Yuh know say, the Johnson dem nuh like the McIntyre dem and if mi father ketch yuh over yah him limb up yuh warra-it. But what’s in a name, my sweet Rom-Rom. Mi no care’bout yuh name. If yuh call a rose by any other name it will smell just as sweet. Nuh true.

Romie: Yuh a hear mi Jules, mi can’t take this foolishness no more. Big man haffi a hide and come check yuh a night time like a some punk. But mi a tell yuh the truth, anything mi can do fi wi stay together, mi will do. If mi haffi change mi name mi wi do that. (shouts) From now on mi no name McIntyre no more!

Julie: Shhhhh! Mi parents dem a sleep. No matter what yuh say yuh can’t change the fact that yuh come from McIntyre breed. And yuh better tek time talk, yuh no ‘fraid a mi bredda dem?

Romie: Jules, yuh more dangerous to me than all a fi dem cutlass and pick-ax. When a man check fi a woman yuh no know say it easy fi she hurt him.

Julie: Still, yuh better hope nobody no wake up. By the way, is how yuh get past the dog?

Romie: Who dah punk deh? Mi just gi him a piece a saltfish wha’ mi buy dung a Buddy shop. All tomorrow him still a chaw dat.

Julie: Well, is why yuh decide fi come over here tonight, knowing how mi people dem nuh like yuh.

Romie: (kneels on the ground) Well mi not even know how fi say this but mi love mi car, mi love mi bike, mi love mi money and ting but most of all me love mi Browning” (wipes away a tear) Is the fus ina mi life man have feelings fi cry. Yuh know yuh a mi Fresh Vegetable and mi no stop cry fi yuh.

Julie: (starts to cry too) Oh that’s so sweet, but first of all, yuh no have no car and the only transportation yuh have is the piece a bruck up fix-wheel bicycle yuh grandfather gi yuh. But mi still love yuh anyway. But “baby are you up for this, to give me all that loving so that I can turn and twist..”

Romie: Is how yuh a diss me so?

Julie: (giggles) A joke mi a mek (she turns away startled) Romie! Somebody a come, yuh better gwan before dem ketch yuh over here. Call me a work tomorrow y’hear. Bye love. (she ducks inside).

Romie: (whistling softly as he walks by the dog gnawing on a tough piece of saltfish) ” dem a go tired fi see mi face”.