Posts Tagged ‘Jamaican Jokes’

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy’s homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..

9. Undermine - There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment  undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on  stain for dinner?”

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she  say “fortify.”

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Big Bwoy was inna composition class an di teacher ask ‘im fi mek a sentence wid’ defence, defeat and detail’. Guess wha Big Bwoy say? ‘De dawg jump over de fence an de feet go before de tail’

One morning Big Bwoy did late fi school so ‘im ride ‘im father donkey, ‘Gee Gee’, go a school. Him did in such a hurry dat him nevah tie di donkey propaly. Well, guess wha happen? In di midst a spelling class, Gee Gee get loose. Big Bwoy frighten sotill wen him look out a di window an see di donkey a gallop wey.

Meanwhile, di teacher ask de class, ‘Children, how do you spell egg?’ Big Bwoy nah listen di teacher, him only waan di donkey fi stop, so him shout out, ‘EE GEE GEE!’.

Group of men waiting outside ‘new inventions’ meeting room before it starts.

American, Englishman, and Jamaican.

A bleeper noise is heard, and the american looks at his shoulder, presses it and looks at the other two and says ‘ its my bleeper’,

The englishman raises the palm of his hand to his face and starts talkin, when he finishes he looks at the other two and says ‘ that was my mobile phone’

The Jamaican thought I dont want to get left behind with all this new high tech stuff, so he gets up and leaves the room, and returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his arse, the other two look at him, the Jamaican looks down and behind and says ‘ Oh!, I am recieving a fax’.

A Jamaican opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police(American)arrived at the scene, the Jamaican was complaining
bitterly about thedamage to his precious BMW.

“Awfissa, look wah dem do to mi Bimmah!”, he whined.
“You Jamaicans are so materialistic and Show-off, you make me sick!” retorted the officer.

“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Rahtid!!!,” Replied the Jamaican, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was…………. “Mi Rolex”

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law
school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up
the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this new client
when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He
motioned the man in, all the while talking.

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle
this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to
hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the
other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll
meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man,
“I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for
you?”

The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came
to hook up your phone.”

I was trying to find my dressmaker, and asked someone on the street for directions.
This is what she told me:

“Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner. Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady
wha mek de high culcha frock dem. Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf
a likkle fry fish shop further down), and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop. Is fi him girlfren niece who know de address of the guy wha live near to de chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike. After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid de four bad mongrel dawg dem.

(Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey). Knock pon de winda five time and Miss
Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem
cum back). Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike.

Him is a nice bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe. But
hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas’. Him don’t haf him licence
yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike. Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead
gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and mine yu no bruk yu foot, den
tun lef’, and yu see de shop. It easy; yu caan miss it.”

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - An American man, a English Man and a Jamaican man.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The American said.”You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried blokes, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the Jamaican’s turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “Unnuh nevah tell mi di bloodclat gun was loaded wid blanks…. mi di haffi to beat har pussyclat to death wid di raass chair!”