Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone.”
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I was trying to find my dressmaker, and asked someone on the street for directions. This is what she told me:
“Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty stand on Bruk-Down carner. Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady wha mek de high culcha frock dem. Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf a likkle fry fish shop further down), and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop. Is fi him girlfren niece who know de address of the guy wha live near to de chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike. After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid de four bad mongrel dawg dem.
(Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey). Knock pon de winda five time and Miss Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem cum back). Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike.
Him is a nice bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe. But hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas’. Him don’t haf him licence yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike. Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and mine yu no bruk yu foot, den tun lef’, and yu see de shop. It easy; yu caan miss it.”
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - An American man, a English Man and a Jamaican man.
For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The American said.”You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried blokes, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the Jamaican’s turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “Unnuh nevah tell mi di bloodclat gun was loaded wid blanks…. mi di haffi to beat har pussyclat to death wid di raass chair!”
Once a plane was travelling to Australia. The engine failed, therefore the passengers were given parachutes. The Jamaican man made his jump, his parachute opened successfully. However, a Chinese fell pass him to his death, being unable to open his parachute. The Jamaican thought the Chinese was trying to outdo him and said to himself “Yuh naw win dis time, mi tired fi see black man lose”. With that he cut his parachute loose.
Three men, a Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was the first to face them. He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as the command : “Ready, aim…” was given he shouted “Earthquake!”. Terrified at such a natural disaster, the firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped. When the Trinidadian’s turn came, after “Ready, aim…” he shouted “Hurricane!”. Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away and he escaped. The Jamaican smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was sure he would escape. As the command “Ready, aim…” was given, with a broad grin he shouted: “Fire!”
A pastor visiting from England asked a Jamaican dread to carry him fishing one day. Before beginning their journey the pastor asked if the dread prayed. “No iyah, man no fi pray”, replied the dread. “Quarter of you life gone my brother, quarter of you life gaun”, answered the pastor and they took off on the dread’s boat. At lunchtime the pastor took out his lunch to eat and asked the dread if he ate pork. “No iyah, man nuh fi eat pork”, replied the dread. “Hauf of you life gone my brother, hauf of you life gaun”, answered the pastor in return. After a while the boat developed problems and started to sink. The dread asked the pastor: “Can you swim?” The pastor replied: “No I can’t swim”. To this the dread said (feigning the English accent): “Well…whole of your life gaun my brother, whole of your life gone!”
This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday. He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home. She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard. As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: “Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!”. Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: “Who the hell is that?” “I am the devil”, she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: “Damned pleased to meet you. I’m Harold Jones. I married your sister.”
A certain staff member at a tourist resort had just started learning German and had been told to practice as much orally as possible. The staff member decided to start practicing with a co-worker who had absolutely no knowledge of the language. The co-worker did a good deed one day and, in reply, the German practicer said politely “DANKE” (which means ‘thank you’). The co-worker, shocked, replied loudly and defensively: “Donkey like yuh pupa!”
