It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Cucumbers are better than men
Reasons why motorcycles are better than women
Why modems are better than women
Why beer is better than women
Top 10 reasons why computers must be male
Why dogs are better than men
Why coffee is better than women
Beer VS Cucumbers
Why bicycles are better than women
Why bicycles are better than men
15 reasons why diet soda is better than men
10 reasons why x-mas tree is better than a woman
Why Hockey is better than sex!
Why cats are better than men
Top 10 reasons skiing is better than sex
Reasons why guns are better than women
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
You won't find out that a cucumber is: married
on penicillin trying to screw your sister.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick.
But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month. Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle is mis aligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT". When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem won't say a word if you come home late. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. A modem doesn't ***** if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick..
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once uponatime...A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER 8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday. 8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants - open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner. 9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil. 10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer. 10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry. 1200 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe. 12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg. 1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit. 3.00 Nap. 4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer. 4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body. 5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror. 7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers. 10.00 Hot shower (alone). 10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen). 11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM 6.00 Alarm. 6.15 Blow job. 6.30 Massive satisfying **** while reading the sports section. 7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler 7.30 Limo arrives. 7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport. 9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet. 9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route). 9.45 Play front nine - 2 under. 1145 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon. 12.15 Blow job. 12.30 Play back nine - 4 under. 2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons). 2.30 Fly to Cairns. 3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers. 4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle. 5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over.. naturally). 6.45 ****, Shower and Shave. 7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised. 7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits. 9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; Brits beating Oz by 30 points 9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies.. some bending over). 11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale. 11.30 A night cap blow job. 11.45 In bed alone. 11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room 11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and Heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and Freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!!!!!!!!!!"
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her handand asked,"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied) she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic .
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
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