A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three
parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he
takes the first parachute and leaves the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the
former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in
the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President,
and above all, the smartest woman in America." She grabs the second
parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth
passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many
years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the
last parachute."
The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman took my school backpack."
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, then it's our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we would hopefully like to have dinner with.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What's the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows ... it's never been done.
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, "it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that".
The woman turns to him and smiles and says...
"Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that"!
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky **** Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little *****. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ***** is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
The army secretary Radar O’Reilly from the television show ‘M*A*S*H’ has been brutally killed by John Holt's "Police in the Helicopter"
Alan ‘Hawkeye’ Alda witnessed the entire incident “We rely on Radar O’Reilly’s keen sense of hearing to let us know that helicopters with wounded soldiers are on the way, even though he usually only hears them about two seconds before everyone else does.”
“This time was different though, he was sitting in front of his tent writing a childish letter to his mother about what a swell gang we all are when the John Holt's "Police in the Helicopter" appeared and let rip on his carcass. His spectacles flew seventy feet into the Korean sky."
"Then Hotlips O’Houlihan got one of his balls as she was taking a perpetual shower next door and Trapper John looked into his dry martini when he heard a plopping sound only to discover Radar’s underpants floating in it.”
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Cool Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
_________________
Its Hard 2 Soar with the Eagles..., When U're Surrounded by Turkeys.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
Donald Trump makes a fool of himself pretty much all the time.
Everyone has made a fool of themselves at some time or other. For some, looking foolish in public is the worst possible thing they can imagine. But others of us know from bitter experience that the worst time to look a fool is in the bedroom.
It's worse if you're already famous. Then, whatever you say in the bedroom is much more likely to become public.
This month, we look at some of the worst things famous people can scream at the point of climax.
* Britney Spears – Oops… you did it again!
* The Pope – Actually, I don’t think I should be doing this.
* George W. Bush – Whaddya mean "premature", Laura? That was a pre-emptive strike.
* Donald Rumsfeld – Deploy troops!
* John Howard – I’m sorry.
* George Lucas – Feel the power of the force.
* George Lucas’ wife – If that was episode 1, it was pretty disappointing.
* Michael Jackson – So where do you go to school again?
* Ian McKellan – I am the Lord of the Rings!
* Elvis – Elvises have left the building.
* Jesus Christ – Oh me!
* Kevin Bacon – Zero degrees of separation… Six inches of Kevin Bacon.
* Donald Trump – You’re fired.
* Warren Buffet – Share price peaking.
* Paris Hilton – Is that camera still running?
* Neil Armstrong – 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Blast off!
* Bart Cummins – They’re off and racing!
* Mark Schumacher – Schumacher is first again.
* Shane Warne – {via text message} thx!
* Michael Jordan – Jordan scores, he shoots!
* Michael Jordan’s wife – Just do it.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
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