jokey jokes - Page 14 - Jamaica Talk

dudley one · #**196** (**permalink**) 02-10-2009, 07:56 PM

New drink!

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "****tails", "highballs", and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

dudley one · #**197** (**permalink**) 02-16-2009, 11:50 AM

The Top 14 Ways Hell is Better Than Your Job

14. Your coffee stays hot all day!
13. Never have to look very far to find the legal depart-ment.
12. In hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge --Satan!
11. 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.
10. In hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.
9. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.
8. No more wondering if the boss hates you.
7. Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public
transportation.
6. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite
invigorating.
5. Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!
4. Your office: One free stale donut every Friday. Hell: One brutal
mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every Friday.
3. Your job? Suit and tie. Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!
2. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and
then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint.
1. Microwave popcorn -- without leaving your cubicle

dudley one · #**198** (**permalink**) 02-25-2009, 11:08 PM

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
sex and condoms. He asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement 20 minutes pass
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."

dudley one · #**199** (**permalink**) 03-03-2009, 08:40 PM

English-isms
For all you Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)...

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

16. He often broke in to song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

dudley one · #**200** (**permalink**) 03-11-2009, 01:09 AM

After an exciting hot, nice and rejuvenating 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembers that he has an appointment with his dentist that evening.

He was afraid that his dentist would notice the smell of pums in his mouth, so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that he used 2 liters of listerine.

As he arrived at his dentist office, he sucked 5 mint candies. His turn then came up so he was welcomed in by his dentist, who told Brian to have a seat on the chair.
Feeling confident & well relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough to his mouth and said:

-'Man, why yuh do 69 before yuh come to mi office?'

-What's up Doc? Does my mouth smell like pums?

-No, yuh mouth smell good, but yuh forehead smell like b@tty.

dudley one · #**201** (**permalink**) 03-13-2009, 08:09 PM

Custody Battle - J'can Style

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A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was
who should get custody of the child?

The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody"

The judge turns to the dread and says, "What do you have to say in the
matter?"

The Rasta sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose and said, Yow...Your Honor, If I and I put a dollar in a de soda machine and a
Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?

dudley one · #**202** (**permalink**) 04-21-2009, 07:19 PM

Jack was on the bus when suddenly realizing he needs to fart.
The music was really loud, so Jack times his farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, Jack start to feel better as he approach his stop.
As Jack leaves the bus, people started really staring down at him, that's when he remembers that he’s been listening his iPod.

dudley one · #**203** (**permalink**) 05-02-2009, 02:49 AM

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it 's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules' From the female side ...Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers..

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is f ine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round < /FONT>IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

dudley one · #**204** (**permalink**) 05-17-2009, 12:56 AM

The Secret To Ice Fishing.....

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It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer: "Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can’t understand a word you’re saying."

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said:
"You have to keep the worms warm!"

dudley one · #**205** (**permalink**) 07-22-2009, 03:45 PM

RESTROOM SIGNS

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

lbelly · #**206** (**permalink**) 07-22-2009, 04:51 PM

lolololololol....nice!

dudley one · #**207** (**permalink**) 07-30-2009, 05:37 PM

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

Now wipe that smile off your face..

dudley one · #**208** (**permalink**) 08-08-2009, 05:30 PM

Brown Pants.......

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"