ha, ha, ha. - Page 5 - Jamaica Talk

dudley one · #61 (**permalink**) 09-29-2006, 05:30 AM

Cell Phone Problems

http://www.stupidity.org/video/863

dudley one · #62 (**permalink**) 10-11-2006, 07:19 PM

Indian Version of Thriller

http://fwd.jokaroo.org/c.php?i=9521

dudley one · #63 (**permalink**) 10-18-2006, 02:33 AM

Lil' Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... thatll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."Johnny says, "All right."

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest wanker she's ever seen...it's huge for such a small kid. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his wanker.

She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it." Johnny says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

dudley one · #64 (**permalink**) 10-25-2006, 07:20 PM

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS
********************************
1. Give away something other than candy. Tooth picks, golf balls,
bags of sand, goldfish, etc.

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get
near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag,
and yell,"TRICK OR TREAT!" Look at them, scratch your head,
and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "TOP
SECRET" in big letters. when trick-or-treaters come, look
around suspiciously, say,"It's about time you got here," give
them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or
-treaters come to the door,say,"come in!" When they do, have
everyone yell,"SURPRISE!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they
can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that
it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse,
and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go
away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out
into the street, and yell,"Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam
the door and run around the house, screaming until they go
away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before
you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine
list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at
anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your
house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or
-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start
flipping through the calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests,
explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over
from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick
-or-treaters a two hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several
half-eaten candy bars in your hand. Act surprised, and close
the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you
don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on
your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow
before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment
you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the
trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

dudley one · #65 (**permalink**) 10-27-2006, 09:45 AM

Accident Prone

http://insure-funny.blogspot.com/200...ent-prone.html

dudley one · #66 (**permalink**) 11-01-2006, 03:56 AM

Cartoon Laws of Physics

1. Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

2. Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

3. Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming exactly to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

4. Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

5. Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

6. Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

7. Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

8. Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

9. Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

dudley one · #67 (**permalink**) 11-05-2006, 02:35 AM

attitude is everything ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets. A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?" The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops." "Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too." A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em.

dudley one · #68 (**permalink**) 11-06-2006, 09:45 AM

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you.
>>The next day I stopped smoking.
>>
>>Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can
>>kill you.The next day I stopped eating red meat.
>>
>>Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you.The
>>next day I stopped drinking.
>>
>>Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.This
>>morning I stopped reading.
>>

dudley one · #69 (**permalink**) 11-10-2006, 07:18 PM

attitude is everything ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets. A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?" The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops." "Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too." A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em.

dudley one · #70 (**permalink**) 11-11-2006, 01:36 PM

and This Too,,,,,,,,,,,,

dudley one · #71 (**permalink**) 11-16-2006, 07:19 PM

well this sez it all.

dudley one · #72 (**permalink**) 11-19-2006, 09:10 PM

this is funny,,,,,,,,,,,,,

pharmacy · #73 (**permalink**) 11-28-2006, 11:44 PM

This test-doorwey
click here: Phentermine

dudley one · #74 (**permalink**) 11-29-2006, 01:47 AM

well i don't nasty bizz !!

dudley one · #75 (**permalink**) 12-10-2006, 10:12 PM

mi belly a buss !!!