A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.
I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measures the barbecue grill and goes over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely coldly brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to
his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
He agreed, so the two old folks stripped to the buff and sat back down
at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"
"I'm not surprised," grinned Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other's in your oatmeal!!!"
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
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