A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends...
What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"
How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."
What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!
What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitutes for meat.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!
Can you say three two-letter words that mean small?
Is it in?
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have ****pits.
What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
__________________ "Please put down your guns and use words instead. Words might hurt - but they don't kill."
Some of those are way too gross. The rest had tears coming out of my eyes. You guys kill me. Thanks for starting my day with laughter.
__________________
Life's just a crazy ride on a run away train
You can't go back for what you've missed
So make it count, hold on tight find a way to make it right
You only get one trip
So make it good, make it last 'cause it all flies by so fast
You only get one trip
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts.
Recently I was asked to run a marathon.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought........F**k...I could win this.......!
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
Doctor called and said I have bad news and worse news. Bad news is you have 24 hrs. to live. Worse news is I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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