A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.


Dear Diary,


For my birthday this year, my daughter (the darling dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in
great shape because I was a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.


I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear.


My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad
made
me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights
on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a
whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Brad was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a
little
too perky for early in the morning. When he scolds me, he gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine
to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.


THURSDAY:

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out
with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He
sent some skinny idiot to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
punk; if there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain;
I
would beat him with it. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't
it
have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice, made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather
Channel.


SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services tod ay so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds.

__________________


All I want for Christmas is Edward!

lol i've read this before but it is still cute.

__________________


"Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies"

Proverbs 31; 10