Jamaica Online at Everything Jamaican!
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Jamaica Online at Everything Jamaican! |
04-12-2006, 05:51 AM
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Things a Jamaican Would Never Do
Mi deh yah ah tink and realize seh, dere are sometings yuh woulda neva see we a do, hear we ah seh or even attempt fi try... Tek fir instance...
• Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach di top? Yuh ever see we ah hang out inna di miggle of di Amazon jungle? Fi wa reason??? • Yuh ever see we a jump outta plane wid one parachute or a boast seh we going bungee jumping next Sunday? • Yuh eva see we inna sea bout we looking fi di Great White Sharks? No sah we wi watch it pon TV. • Yuh eva hear a J'can man seh, "My best friend is a batty man, and mi nuh shame fi seh so??????" • Yuh eva hear a J'can in ah Search & Rescue pan mountain. A mi sen dem up mountain? Dem find dem way up, dem fe find dem way dung again. Idiat dem! A nature way fe weed de weak and any hungry animal up deh! • Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going nto a haunted house and asking..."Trevah yuh in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem caang fight it out in deh. • Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh.."no honey...no need to cook rice and peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday...... mek we order in a pizzza nuh?" Try yu best.....not pon yu life. • Yuh eva si a J'can man wearing tight pants or speedos on the beach???? ahhhmm, errr, heeem.. yes .. ah tink dem call dem chi chi man? • Yuh eva si a jamaican come a work an tell everbaddy dem bizniz how dem neva bade dis mawning, jus brush teet and wash face.... • Yuh eva si a jamaican wey luv talk ova ppl food, put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good. No sah! Dat wi cause a fight. • Yuh ever see a Jamaican go inna di company fridge, and go tek weh next person sangwige and nyam it off? • Yuh ever hear Jamaican pickney tel! l dem madda fi shut up, and di madda go tek seat inna kitchen, tek out cigarette start smoke and seh she nuh know wah fi do wid di pickney? NO! One bax crass him face fi sure. An if dem live in New Yaak dem sen dem to Jamaica fi di Summer and den di adda relatives fix dem bizniz and dem go back wid mannaz. • Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning? • Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werkplace ah talk bout how much tiyme him wife mek him sleep pan di couch? Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect im fi kick it open.    
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04-12-2006, 12:05 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
LOL... that's good.
Reminded me of something I heard once... I think PB said it: from yuh eva see a Jamaican pon a ski hill...dem nah deh fi ski--it's a plane crash.
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04-12-2006, 01:11 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
this is really funny!! it reminded me of sunting else so i thot i'd share too--->
You know you're flying Nigeria Airways if..... You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff. Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator. The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says .." beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh... " Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.system says that "..this is NOT a boarding announcement." You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment. At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent (body guard or escort). No magazine or news paper to read unless you bring your own. Everybody is trying to figure out what the hell "Port of Embarkation" means. When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters .. "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!" Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee". The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum....then it starts to drip on you. Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the plane gentleeee. Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare"..... And I would add The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol boy, no Tea oh"
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04-23-2006, 10:00 AM
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Re: Funny Joke
True Meanings of Male Statements
To: undisclosed-recipients:; Statement: "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor." Statement: "I need you." True Meaning: "My hand is tired." Statement: "I am different from all the other guys." True Meaning: "I am not circumcised." Statement: "I want a commitment." True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation." Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it." Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it." True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." Statement: "She's kinda cute." True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." Statement: "I don't know if I like her." True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me." Statement: "I miss you so much." True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." Statement : "Was it good for you?" True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood." Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?" Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night." True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?" Statement: "Do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out." Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." Statement: "How much do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." Statement: "I have something to tell you." True Meaning: "Get tested." Statement: "I'll give you a call." True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." Statement: "I've been thinking a lot." True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." Statement: "I think we should just be friends." True Meaning: "You're ugly." Statement: "I've learned a lot from you." True Meaning: "Next!!!!" Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine." 
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Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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04-25-2006, 01:29 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
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Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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06-27-2006, 09:09 AM
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Re: Funny Joke
__________________
Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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07-01-2006, 06:55 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
The Guys' Rules
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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07-14-2006, 02:05 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
__________________
Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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07-14-2006, 02:46 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
Quote:
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07-18-2006, 11:45 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
__________________
Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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08-02-2006, 07:25 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
Do You Still Get Horney
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing one lady turns and asks "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
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Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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08-05-2006, 08:59 PM
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Re: Funny Joke
25 Signs That You've Finally Grown Up
>> >> 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. >> >> 2. Having sex in a twin bed (or the back of a car) is out of the question. >> >> 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. >> >> 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. >> >> 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. >> >> 6. You watch the Weather Channel. >> >> 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up". >> >> 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. >> >> 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as"dressed up" >> >> 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@..! kids next door won't turn down the stereo. >> >> 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. >> >> 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. >> >> 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. >> >> 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. >> >> 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. >> >> 16. You take naps. >> >> 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. >> >> 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. >> >> 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. >> >> 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ****." >> >> 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. >> >> 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." >> >> 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. >> >> 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. >> >> 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh1t what the hell happened?" >> >> Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old @ss. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same. __________________
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Dem neva Know,But dem Know Now !!
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