If you look at our society today, you see a number of problems - crime, violence, teenage pregnancies, STD's, drug abuse, de-stabilization of the family unit. The common thread all these ailments have is that they are influenced or initiated by peoples behaviour. And this behaviour is irresponsible behaviour. In many cases the people who bring about this behaviour have a selfish mentality and focus on their own gratification and don't think about how their actions influence anyone else.
At the very least, our actions and words are seen by others, and can influence them to emulate us. You don't know what effect that can have on their life. Sure, they are responsible for their own actions and decisions, but you are also responsible for influencing them with your actions.
Every bad choice we make, makes it easier to make another bad choice the next time.
I agree with you 100%, Bounty, about actions influencing others. Very true. Ultimately, we as individuals make our own choices and decisions and must live with them. If everyone took responsibility for his or her own choices and decisions and remained accountable for his or her life decisions, the world might run a little smoother. However, most people find it easier to blame others or society or the weather or their parents or their friends or the babysitter or their teachers or the white man or the black man or Bill Clinton or ?? etc. for all the bad that they do and that happens to them. I see the finger pointing at work every single day. The culture of blame makes it hard to stick with the "you are your own destiny" line of thought. And when we're not blaming someone for something we've done, we're judging them for something they did that we don't agree with. Damn, aren't we something!
But I guess these are issues and we've left the thread topic fi real. I love these threads because it makes me reflect on things I wish I could spend more time pondering!!
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Re: Would you date a seperated man/woman?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Princessblack
Well I was with a 'single' guy in the past..well so I thought he was. Until I found out he was STILL married but seperated with KIDS!!!!.
Yeah I've been there. I was IN LOVE, and found out he had a wife in the US. I was ready to have him sent back to his yaad in JA in a barrel believe you me! I was really hurt, because for him to claim that he's in love with me, but to hide stuff like that, makes me wonder what I loved. Who was he really? I dunno! I have cards and stuff telling me that I'm the love of his life... yet, he has a wife?
This is why I ask, and have asked many times... When there are a world of women out there, who are wuite content with playing second fiddle.... WTF did I have to go through that for?
Anyway, the question you asked originally was if you were aware of the situation, would you be with a separated man... and if I was aware he was married/separated.. nah I ain't messing with the guy cuz to ME... he's still married!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rootsgirl
This is fairly scattered, if you are going to date someone who is getting divorced or is seperated, make sure that your role in the relationship is not to help them through it or be a stronghold they can lean on. And it might even be helpful to have gone through something similar yourself because otherwise you might just not understand.
This is a very important point you made! I think this is another reason why I wouldn't want to be in the situation.
QUESTION:
If man tells a woman that he is married/separated, and she still moves forward with pursuing a relationship with this married man.... will he ever fully respect this new woman?
I don't think so... but what do you guys think?
Especially the men. If you told a woman that you were married/separated.. and she still messed with you, could you ever hold her with the same high esteem you held your wife before marrying her?
Yeah I've been there. I was IN LOVE, and found out he had a wife in the US. I was ready to have him sent back to his yaad in JA in a barrel believe you me! I was really hurt, because for him to claim that he's in love with me, but to hide stuff like that, makes me wonder what I loved. Who was he really? I dunno! I have cards and stuff telling me that I'm the love of his life... yet, he has a wife?
What were you in love with if I may ask? I wanna know if you can be 'in love' with someone like this? (Just asking a question)
Cards? What now...you working GUSUM now? Stop haging wid de Obeah Ooman dem LOL
PrincessB's questions was would you date a separated man, not do you think it is wrong. I answered her question.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bountyx
Doesn't matter whether you are looking for long term relationship or not. It's not about what you want. It's about the state of his marriage. Whether its a fling or a serious thing, if he's still married, it's still wrong.
Well said, Selah! Basicially, every situation is different. It's not so cut and dry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Selah
Here is what I wonder: If you have a man and a woman who are still legally married but have been apart for a while and you interview both of them and they tell you that they tried to make the marriage work but there's no love, or whatever they list as their reasons for divorce, and they also tell you that they are on friendly terms and that they are in the process of divorcing and you ask them whether they have a problem with the other person dating before the divorce is final and they both say they have no problems with that at all, are you going to step in and tell them they can't make that call for themselves? Another way to ponder this is to think about "swinging". Technically, swinging couples are cheating when swinging with others while married. However, presuming both partners have agreed to the swinging, and that their swing partners have as well, then although it may be viewed technically as cheating behavior, it's not a problem to them and it's not hurting anyone. Whether you like their decision is not really the issue.
I understand your moral opposition to the concept, but divorce happens and sometimes it is a good thing (when the pairing was toxic), and the reality is that people's lives don't get put on hold just because the final document hasn't been signed. Two consenting and agreeable adults can make up their own minds' as to whether they oppose dating before their divorce is final or not. They may or may not define their separation as the final word on their marriage. Now as I said before, the situation is entirely different with an acrimonious and spiteful separated couple -- why would anyone choose to insert themselves into or be a part of that dynamic? Wait until the dust settles in that case!
I was just trying to not paint every couple and every separation and divorce with the same brush. There are good divorces and awful divorces, just as there are good people and bad people, and maybe in some of the cases where the couple is on decent terms, they can agree to the legal and relational terms of the remainder of their "married" life, which may or may not include sanctioning their ability to go out and meet other people before the divorce is final.
Cheating is such a perjorative word...maybe it shouldn't be called cheating if it doesn't hurt anyone?
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Re: Would you date a seperated man/woman?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Princessblack
What were you in love with if I may ask? I wanna know if you can be 'in love' with someone like this? (Just asking a question)
What do you mean?
We were here in Canada, living together. I WAS NOT AWARE THAT HE WAS MARRIED, his wife was in another country. We were together for over a year and a half! During that time we were together on holidays, he was never away. We spent most of our time together. He had me around his mother and little sisters, step dad! All the family events that went on I was at. I met his Auntie that raised him in JA, and her son. He was talking to me about a family and future together. We were planning a trip to JA together blah blah blah! He treated me well, there was nothing suspect at the time. We were just like any other young couple! For all intents and purposes... I was the "little woman". His mother didn't even know he was married!
What's not to understand about how I could love him?
NOW: He says that all his feelings for me are real, and that he's only married to her because she was supposed to look after immigration papers. He apologises for not telling me, but says he didn't want to loose me. I say, he's lucky that he didn't end up in a barrel on it's way to Portmore!
Now I see he is fraud but AT THE TIME I loved him... I don't see what so hard to understand about that!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Princessblack
Cards? What now...you working GUSUM now? Stop haging wid de Obeah Ooman dem LOL
Hallmark cards... not obeah cards, but I supposed that's suposed to be funny! Sorry if I fail to see the humour.
This is fairly scattered, if you are going to date someone who is getting divorced or is seperated, make sure that your role in the relationship is not to help them through it or be a stronghold they can lean on. And it might even be helpful to have gone through something similar yourself because otherwise you might just not understand.
Welll thanks for the clarification Bashment. No need to get offensive or nothing. This is all a discussion and I just asked a question to see where is the love. In reference to the cards I guess you should have specified hallmark cards earlier cause it sounded like tarrot cards ..and that's why I found it funny...just jokes. But it is all good anyhow.
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Re: Would you date a seperated man/woman?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Princessblack
Welll thanks for the clarification Bashment. No need to get offensive or nothing. This is all a discussion and I just asked a question to see where is the love. In reference to the cards I guess you should have specified hallmark cards earlier cause it sounded like tarrot cards ..and that's why I found it funny...just jokes. But it is all good anyhow.
I'm not on the defensive... I was explaining the situation as you asked me to. Either way, that situation is still raw to me, so if I sound a ways, it has nothing to do with you.... it pertains to the situation I am talking about.
I'm not on the defensive... I was explaining the situation as you asked me to. Either way, that situation is still raw to me, so if I sound a ways, it has nothing to do with you.... it pertains to the situation I am talking about.
I am sorry that you experience that but, my ?.... to you is what anger you the most.
Was it because it if loved you so much that he should had been able to tell you any thing. Or was it that you could put yourself in the other person shoes.
Now I now he said that It was for papers but, did a question pop in your head that said if it was only for papers why could'nt you just say that and maybe you could have handled it better.
And lastly, how did you ever find out? and did he ever get a divorce.
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Re: Would you date a seperated man/woman?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal
BasementG
I am sorry that you experience that but, my ?.... to you is what anger you the most.
Was it because it if loved you so much that he should had been able to tell you any thing. Or was it that you could put yourself in the other person shoes.
I was angry for both of those reasons as well as others. Namely, he knew what kind of person I was, and knew I wouldn't be with him if I knew... but he still decided to have me in his life. Also, I was angry because if he lied about that... WTF else was he hiding? Furthermore ... there are so many women out there who are soooo willing to be with a married man, and don't see anything wrong with it! I am not one of those people... why didn't he go find one of those girls?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal
Now I now he said that It was for papers but, did a question pop in your head that said if it was only for papers why could'nt you just say that and maybe you could have handled it better.
I think you misunderstand. I didn't stay with him after finding out he was married. He told me that stuff in order to get me back I suppose (although I don't know why). I did say to him that he was a liar because if it was a business marriage, then he could have told me..... even then, I wouldn't have been with him!
I regards to how I handled it... I think I handled it properly. I cut off his cellie and went about my bizniz Really though, I could've seeked reveng... had MANY opportunities to... I just figured it wasn't worth it... so I moved on!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal
And lastly, how did you ever find out? and did he ever get a divorce.
Again... I think you're misunderstanding something.... I wasn't with him after finding out he was married, I don't know if he's divorced I don't really care... I left the situation after finding out he was married.
Would you even consider dating a seperated man/woman?
Seperated in terms of he/she is still married but not yet divorced. Him/Her's wife/husband is not living with them. In fact, they are not living in the same state or country.
Would you still date them?
I hope to GOD that people will date a separated person cuz I'm gonna be separated the rest of my life! LOLOL
LOL 
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