I agree wholeheartedly. Even though I am separated now, I would still consider it cheating if I started dating someone else. To me, it is all about respect.

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Welcome to the Yoville Addiction

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It is what it is and anything beside that is concidered as cheating. Seperated does not mean single. You are or the other have is still very much connected. If you find a person that is married and they have been seperated for a long period of time I would begain to ask ?. if it takes a divorce more than a couple of weeks or months to go through there is something wrong somewhere and a ? should appear in your head.

If a divorce is not being contested by the other party, then you should have your divorce in a fashionable time whether they want it or not. But If the courts decide that there is a chance of the marriage being reconciled your divorce will take longer.

And if a man/women tells you they are sepreated it still puts you in the homerecker box. The other person and who needs the drama. I still say and agree that it is off limits. Find out more, before you get attacked to something that is not attachable.

I would consider it, yes.

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And, by the way, I would not be looking to make this man MY husband.

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If I did, I'd end the relationship. But as I said, from jump street, I'm not looking to have a long-term relationship with this man. He'd be a companion and that's it. Not a candidate for marriage.

Doesn't matter whether you are looking for long term relationship or not. It's not about what you want. It's about the state of his marriage. Whether its a fling or a serious thing, if he's still married, it's still wrong.

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"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." - Matthew 5 v11 KJV

Very waggish indeed.

Here is what I wonder: If you have a man and a woman who are still legally married but have been apart for a while and you interview both of them and they tell you that they tried to make the marriage work but there's no love, or whatever they list as their reasons for divorce, and they also tell you that they are on friendly terms and that they are in the process of divorcing and you ask them whether they have a problem with the other person dating before the divorce is final and they both say they have no problems with that at all, are you going to step in and tell them they can't make that call for themselves? Another way to ponder this is to think about "swinging". Technically, swinging couples are cheating when swinging with others while married. However, presuming both partners have agreed to the swinging, and that their swing partners have as well, then although it may be viewed technically as cheating behavior, it's not a problem to them and it's not hurting anyone. Whether you like their decision is not really the issue.

I understand your moral opposition to the concept, but divorce happens and sometimes it is a good thing (when the pairing was toxic), and the reality is that people's lives don't get put on hold just because the final document hasn't been signed. Two consenting and agreeable adults can make up their own minds' as to whether they oppose dating before their divorce is final or not. They may or may not define their separation as the final word on their marriage. Now as I said before, the situation is entirely different with an acrimonious and spiteful separated couple -- why would anyone choose to insert themselves into or be a part of that dynamic? Wait until the dust settles in that case!

I was just trying to not paint every couple and every separation and divorce with the same brush. There are good divorces and awful divorces, just as there are good people and bad people, and maybe in some of the cases where the couple is on decent terms, they can agree to the legal and relational terms of the remainder of their "married" life, which may or may not include sanctioning their ability to go out and meet other people before the divorce is final.

Cheating is such a perjorative word...maybe it shouldn't be called cheating if it doesn't hurt anyone?
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TGIF

It's not my business to personally step in and tell them anything, so no, I wouldn't be stepping in and telling them what to do. If I am in a position to offer advice, I would advise them as I have already stated in the thread.

Whether they agree to it or not, it is still breaking the marriage commitment. Swinging negates a fundamental principle of marriage - monogamy. They may have no problem with it, but it still is morally wrong.

What's the point of getting married if you are going to violate it's principles?
Yes some people get divorced for good reasons, but even they should still adhere to their commitment until it is officially over. It's about keeping your word, having integrity and a sense of honour. Sacrifice is part of what people sign up for when they get married. Whoever doesn't like that, shouldn't get married. It's just like parenthood, or a family bond by blood that you cannot change. You may fall out with that person, but they will always be your family. You may fall out with your spouse, but they will always share a connection with you.

People are free to make whatever choice they want to make. They will also be held accountable for their choices, and will have to face the consequences of their decisions and actions. The issue was never whether I or anyone else liked it or not. People shouldn't make decisions like that based on whether other people like it or not, but on whether it is the right thing to do or not.


It is what it is. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and waddles like a duck...guess what? It's a duck!

Throughout the ages, people have done things that are wrong, and sought to justify and rationalize those actions on the basis that "It's not hurting anybody". This is shown especially in the area of relationships. The truth is, that statement should be "It's not hurting anybody that I know about or in ways I know about" because no human being knows exactly how each and every choice affects those people around him/her or the society on a whole.

That's why God gave us rules and guidelines to live by so we can avoid the consequences of making unsound decisions.

If you look at our society today, you see a number of problems - crime, violence, teenage pregnancies, STD's, drug abuse, de-stabilization of the family unit. The common thread all these ailments have is that they are influenced or initiated by peoples behaviour. And this behaviour is irresponsible behaviour. In many cases the people who bring about this behaviour have a selfish mentality and focus on their own gratification and don't think about how their actions influence anyone else.

At the very least, our actions and words are seen by others, and can influence them to emulate us. You don't know what effect that can have on their life. Sure, they are responsible for their own actions and decisions, but you are also responsible for influencing them with your actions.

Every bad choice we make, makes it easier to make another bad choice the next time.

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"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." - Matthew 5 v11 KJV

Very waggish indeed.

i have sort of a new twist to this one. i was dating a seperated man for about 8 months. no chance of reconcilliation, he was in the process of getting divorced. we had a good relationship, long distance for quite a while, he had family that lived near me and he kept saying he wanted to come out here and start up a business, etc. i was like, ok - the whole time thinking, if he moves out here, and things don't work, he's named a bunch of other good reasons why he would want to move to michigan.
so, about a month or so ago, he didn't really talk to me about it at all, but came out for three weeks to look for a job, find an apt, all of that good stuff. he got an apt, some furniture, and truly spent a lot of money. during this time, however, we had some seriously intense blowups, talk about a controlling man who wants every part of my life to be all about him. (i'm 22 - he is almost 30 years older). plain and simple, this gave me a glimpse into his personality i had seen shimmers of before, but pushed them away, ignoring them. i couldn't take it - he was degrading me, not listening to anything i had to say, just BAD - ok?
so i broke up with him.
the deal is, he never let me know how hard his divorce was on him, and at my age, i cannot understand what it's like to lose 14 years of marriage, even if the last 8 have been awful. he wanted me to help him through it - i do not want to be someones counselor.
This is fairly scattered, if you are going to date someone who is getting divorced or is seperated, make sure that your role in the relationship is not to help them through it or be a stronghold they can lean on. And it might even be helpful to have gone through something similar yourself because otherwise you might just not understand.

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Good points rootsgirl.

Getting involved with someone who is separated can lead to complications in your life, and that person's life, which you may not have foreseen and may not be prepared to deal with. When people are coming out of a relationship (whether divorce, breakup or the partner dies) it is a very emotionally tense, and stressful period of time. People's judgement and thoughts are likely to not be at their optimum and they are extremely vulnerable. They are not likely to be ready to make a sound decision with regards to entering a new relationship commitment.

Too much baggage.

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"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." - Matthew 5 v11 KJV

Very waggish indeed.