Ive been around here and talked to you guys and really got to like this site and the people. But I think I have been mysterious about my relationship with a JA man. Well I have sat here all weekend and have pretty much decided to end the relationship, I think. But I wanted to tell my story and what brought me to ETJ.

I met him in 2004 at Starfish. I had no intentions of talking to him as I had a boyfriend. He even asked me if I did and I said yes, and he said' "oh thats too bad for you!" I thought it was quite funny. My friends talked to him more and more and found him to be "cool" He even took ust out with a friend to Dunns River on his day off. It was then we started to talk. He told me about himself and things about his past relationships and family life. I found him interesting so when I was leaving we exchanged numbers. When I got home much to my surprise he called me and I called him. We began to talk on a regular about our lives and who we were. But I still had a boyfriend. I remember it was around Christmas, I had met him in November, and he said to me he wanted to talk about starting a relationship wher eit would be just me and him. I knew that I had a boyfriend, which I did not talk about, and that I wasnt moving to JA and he wasnt coming here. So I said well talk about it, hung up the phone and never called him back. He called me and left messages saying to please call him please call him after he saw that I wasnt calling him back. Finally they stopped and I moved on. Or so I thought.

I was building a life with my then boyfriend and things were moving along. But I always thought about Kirk. But I wouldnt call. But I never deleted his number from my phone either. I ended up moving from NY to GA and I knew that all contact would be lost as I was changing my number and he would probably disappear. But again I couldnt find it to delete his phone number.
So we fast forward to Feb of this year. My friends and I plan a trip to JA. I havent been there since 2004 and I could not believe I was finally getting to go back!!! We were so excited!!!!!!!!! Staying in Ochie at one of our favorite hotels the trip was booked and paid for. Well me and boyfriend were having problems since December and it came about that time that we went our seperate ways. I was very upset but I knew thats how it had to be. Now I just look forward to my trip to JA!!!!!!
But wait I wonder if Kirks number is still the same. I bought a calling card and one day from work decided to give the numebr a try. Much to my surprise he answered the phone. He could not believe it was me!!!!!!! Better yet he could not believe I was coming to JA soon!!!!
So for the next week or so we got reaquainted. Found out he wasnt at Starfish and I told him all about my move to GA. I remember he always used to ask about my sex body and I had to admit I put on some weight!! lol But the countdown to JA was going on!!! the plan was I was gonna see him the day I got there and spend the night with him. Okay well see I thought. Well see. The day came and the flight to JA went without a hitch. Got to Ja at 130pm met up with my other girlfriend and we were off!!!!!!
By the way this is the trip that my friend met the guy whose wedding I just went to. And I told her if I wasnt there to see Kirk he would have been mines!!!!!! lol

I called Kirk to let him know I was in JA and on my way. He was so excited as was I and happy because he got off of work early. He needed to catch a ride to Ochie to pick me up and he would see me later.
I was nervous and scared and excited all at the same time. I was so happy to be back in JA and could not wait!!!!!
We got to the hotel and settled in and of course we went to eat. I called Kirk to let him know I was at the hotel and he said he will be there by 630. So I was eating and having fun and scared!!! Didnt know what to expect and to be quite honest I didnt remember what exactly he looked like only that he was light skin!!! lol
So about 640 I call him and hes like where are you Im in front of the hotel!!! they wont let me up!!!!!!! So I tell my friends Kirk is here and there all like oh bring him up since they met him before. So I take what felt like the longest walk from the hotel to the front gate. Im nervouse because most of our building has been over the phone. What will he look like? Will he still like how I look? My hair is different will he recognize me? I wear glasses but on vacation them joints come off. So I am walking thinking what if I walk right past him oh no I cant see anything its dark and I am nervous!!!

I walk and see a car park and I look over and there he is!!! We walk towards each other and start hugging like I dont know what. He introduces me to Carneil his friend and I hug him so more. We laughing and smiling and he tells me I dont hardly look different and hes happy to finally get to see me!!!!!! He asks if I am ready to go. So I say to him well come up see the girls and let me get my stuff. Well the stupid hotel didnt let me bring him up so I had a big ole attitude. But I went up and got my bag and told my friends I was going to hang out with Kirk. Here is his number if anything.
I went back to the car and we spent the rest of the night together.
Next morning he gets a call on his phone from one of my friends. I can chewed out for not calling and telling them I was gonna be gone all night. I apologize and start heading back from the guesthouse where we stayed at. I wanted him to come and spend the day in the hotel with me, but he didnt. He said he was gonna try to come back that night. this trip to JA was a short one so I was only there I think for 3 nights. I know insane but when you got to get away sometimes youll do short just to get away!!! He didnt end up coming back that night said he couldnt get a ride, but I ended up being on the phone with him for almost two hours. Just talking about everything!! I knew I had to come back soon and of course my friends are always down for the trip!!!!!! Meanwhile my friend had hooked up with her now husband and they were hanging out. So she was ready to come back as well!!!! I ended up not seeing him again before I left but as soon as I got home I was gonna plan the next trip.

Since the trip in March I have gone to JA every single month almost. We have spent so much time on the phone and the time together has been great. Hes shared so much about him and his life things that just jhave made me cry. Hes cried I cried about how similar we are in how we have grown up. hes shown me how smart he is in terms of business and learned that he just isnt happy working in a hotel. He has goals and visions to do things. He told me about his love gained and his loved lost and how it hurt him so much. Talked about his love for his family and things he has been through. Being stabbed and almost losing his life to his desire to have a family with someone he loves unlike the life of his own. We grew closer to share our dreams and our fears. We talked for hours and hours about everything. He was very observant to things about me from so far away. I would tell him nothing is wrong if something was and he would keep pressing me knowing that wasnt true. He knew my mother was sick and how it was killing me inside and he offered supportive words over the phone and a shoulder when I was there. He was there when she died, I cried to him over the phone and i cried in his arms when I made it back. He said to me "I cannot even begin to find the words to say to you. And as I sit here I cannot begin to understand how you feel. But I know one day I will be here with you going through the same thing with you because one day my mother will pass too" He always did that made plans for the "we". Telling me he wants to get a better job so that when I come for longer period of times I would be comfortable. How he wants to move to a better place because where he is at I would not be comfortable. He never asked me for anything not a single dime. He wanted a playstation and I offered him mine since I never used it. His birthday came and I decided to just get him a new one. He was so surprised he thought I was just gonna give him mine. So grateful for bring things like Godiva chocolate when I came. It was great.
So where does ending it come in right?

Missty...sorry about the realationship ending....kinda bittersweet, but I am soo into your story right now. Cant wait to see the ending...even though it sound it may not be happy. But remember...there's obviously another door opening and like I have found..it may be a great one!!

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LOVE LOCKDOWN

Well i was serious you know. Serious about us. I knew it would take work and effort and more work on my part because I had more then he does. I make more money on unemployment then he does on a job. I told him though I dont have any money Im not rich. He hated how I spent money to stay at hotel or villas. To spend money on food. Meanwhile I love JA and I said way before I met him I could have a second home there. Always said that. SO I thought this was it. This was the chance to start to make that happen. I saw business opportunites, not that would make me rich, but I could sustain a lifestyle there. I would have my business here in the states and I could make it work. Here is when I stop telling the story to people. Here is when things change.
I spoke to a villa owner about renting the room on a monthly basisas we agreed. It would be much cheaper then what I spend on a hotel or villa in a week. He could pay what his rent is to the room and I would put in the rest. It would be closer to work for him and I would always have a place to stay. But when it came time to make the decision he said no. He didnt want me to be responsible for that. to feel like I was paying for him to live somewhere. Okay I respect that. But then also he says Im scared. What are you scared about? technically I am the one putting a whole lot on the line here why are you scared? I was pissed because we talked about it and made the decison together. I aproached the woman about it and then he decides its not the right thing. Fine okay. The I start to notice little things that just bother me. Like the fact that he never has his phone around. Never hear it ring never see him answer it. Okay so I joke with him why you dont want to have to talk to your wife while Im here. haha funny funny dont say things like that thats not true is what he tells me. Okay I want to see where you live. No you dont. Well I do finally see where he lives and its not pretty to say the least. SO I can understand someone not wanting to share that. I asked him before if he told his mom about me. Yes I did. So when am I going to get to meet her? Well its hard to get there we have to plan the day to go all the way to St Mary. So when I was there one day hes talking to his mom on the phone and tells her "Mom I have a girlfriend I want you to meet her name is Michelle she is really down to earth and I think youll like her." Um I thought she knew about me. Oh she did but not your name. oh ok. Hey I have a friend who never ever tells her mother about any guy shes dating. Says her mom is not meeting the guy until they are getting married. Shes Jamaican too maybe thats how they roll? But now when I am home I cant never seem to get through to him. I call him and I know Digicel be acting up but that much??? Then I call him and leave a message to call me back but he usually doesnt. Or maybe I just keep on trying until I get him. I understand its hard money wise but if he calls I am willing to call him back and he knows this.
So lately I havent really spoke to him. My last trip was the wedding and everyone was like aww you guys are next you guys are next. And beiong the person I am I was like no we are not no we are not. We were in the kitchen one day and he says "Will you marry me?' And I ask is that a real question??? Well talk about getting married and who we would invite and living together and all that stuff. But then hell say well we have to take it slow we are still getting to know each other. You want me to marry you fast like your friend did?????
And when I first told him about my friends wedding he was like "oh no somethings not right about that."

Actions speak louder then words. And right now his actions dont match the words. My last trip I told him look I dont need you to marry me I dont even need you to be with me. If thats the case then hey let me know I am a big girl. And that I am. He got mad. Said that he loves me and wants to be with me but its not that easy. If I want to come to JA its about being comfortable being safe. he was very upset about the rental car and having to pay money for any damages. He was pissed. He said to me and Ill never forget " I dont want to hear whats yours is mine because you have your money and I have nothing!" Wow. He said "I cant just come to JA with money and expect to be okay. I need something that will sustain me. He needs to know he can take care of me. JA is is full of tricks and trades. I must be prepared." He was very upset and didnt want to talk anymore.
I stayed awake and was watching tv. Watching videos and a JA artist came on talking about poverty. And I got it. I am thinking about being with this man, thats easy right? Not for someone who grew up in poverty in a third world country as we call it. Someone who is from a very prideful culture who beleives that a man is the head of the household. AM I dreaming? the fact that I care about him so much will see us through?? He has always took a common sense approach to this. Says I make hasty decisions. And I guess when you dont know what tomorrow ill bring you dont make hasty decisions. Yea I lost my job okay its rough but I know there are more jobs to be had. And while I am looking I can get unemployment. And I can continue medical coverage under CObra. But imagine what its like to not know everyday if you will have a job tomorrow. To know if you loose it what will you do when jobs are not plenitful? When you dont have medical coverage or any form of help. When you live in a place that does not have a bathroom. Its just one room.
I cannot imagine. I cannot. But I got it. At least I thought. He tells me Michelle I think its fate that brought up back together, let fate take us through.

I dont know. I hate the fact that I call him and I dont get through more ofen then not. I hate that if he calls me its in the morning before he goes to work or from work. He says he does nothing but work and go home and by the time he reaches home he is quite miserable. Quite sad about his life. Doesnt go anywhere for he doenst have money and wants to stay out of trouble. Doesnt see his mother becasue its too hard to get to St Mary from Trelawny as he doesnt have a car. I have opened myself up to him and offered to be his knight I suppose. I trust his heart and his sincerity. I told him that last time I was there. My friend asks me today, how much do I really know about this guy. cant say I know more then what he has told me, cant run a background search on him.
So I am torn, very torn. In relationships people do things to indicate thier commitment to someone. To be honest not meeting his mom or just recently seeing where he lives is not those things for me. I lived with a guy LIVED together and homeboy still went out and mananged to cheat and have a double life including having a baby while we LIVED together. So I feel like I am searching for the sign of committment. I have given homeboy the perfect opportunity to say well lets forget it. This weekend I left a message and said "listen I am not calling you anymore. I know Digicel be acting up but not that much. You want to talk call me" So of course he calls me the next day and tells me "he loves me and to make sure I am okay. Hell talk to me tonight when hes home from work." I didnt call and neither did he.
Told me once hes scared hes been left by parents by a girl he loved and oh look at that I did it once to him before. Maybe thats what he is scared of. But I feel like I am putting it out there. Showing him I am willing to take a chance with him with what we have. I have been burned many times and I am very jaded but I give every situation a chance still. Maybe thats why I keep getting burned. But I get burned but its only first degree as I dont stand around for crap. But am I not looking at it from his point of view? Truth be told everyone talks about what JA men are doing over there, he has no clue what I am doing here. And not to brag because I am very modest but when I am in JA there is rarely a time when a guy is not trying to talk to me, including when I am with him. He told me once dag if you come to JA I will lose you. At the wedding it was bad because there were these guys at a table and they were talking about how a woman like me could not be with a boy like him. He was so upset. I was like but hun i am here with you not them. So I say this to say he knows I am not some desperate lonely chick looking for love. Mi nah beg nah friend! But I dont look for quantity I look for quality!!! And just like my friend can say what do I know about him, his friends can say the same to him.
Im tired of trying to understand exactly what is going on. there are things I dont feel right about and if they are bothering me I have to look at it. I really want things to work and maybe they were going to fast. So I am going to just back off from him and see how he reacts. See how I react. Maybe I am caught up in the magic of it. I have a tendency to get bored at the 6 month and 2 year mark in my relationship. Well its been almost two years I met him and six months since we got back in contact!! Double Whammy!!!!! lol
He always told me hes different than other JA men and hes not trying to be like his father. Never asked me for anything and always said his goal is to succeed in Ja he is a Jamaican. I always hoped love would conquer all and maybe this is my life lesson to say there has got to be more then love. I mean he has made me a better person because I do rush to decisions sometimes. Hey I started here about how I was going to move to JA. That day I called him and said I am moving to JA. He talked me out of it and said I need to take time its not that easy. Maybe hes my lesson on taking it slow.

Damn Manhatt'N! You've got an entire book online now....lol

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My god.. now dis a go tek mi long time fi read...

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I don't know much... but I know I luv you...
& that may be all I need to know!

First of all, the wedding you went to.......that gal just met that guy in February and already married him? Am I reading that right?

Your man is giving all kinds of mixed signals. Sounds to me like the likes the idea of you; but when it comes right down to it, he doesn't want the long term, around every day, committment. The mother thing is a crock fo ****. If he wanted you to meet her, he would find a way. Sounds like he did not tell her about you at all. Please be careful, Miss.

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If you've never stared off in the distance, then your life is a shame...

wow Misty.....I must tell you there are some really concerned views on these one that I need to post. Especially since I am in a similar thing in that I am in JA and DG is there and what we have learnt in dealing with it. I will give you my comments and suggestions in a bit on this one ok.

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JG you are sooo right...that wedding was fast..real fast!! yes be careful. brb

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It does sound like he is not wanting the everyday commitment of the relationship. Look deep in yourself and think through everything. Try to be patient with your decisions. Everything works out the way it is supposed to, I am a true believer in that.

Good Luck.