I dont know. I hate the fact that I call him and I dont get through more ofen then not. I hate that if he calls me its in the morning before he goes to work or from work. He says he does nothing but work and go home and by the time he reaches home he is quite miserable. Quite sad about his life. Doesnt go anywhere for he doenst have money and wants to stay out of trouble. Doesnt see his mother becasue its too hard to get to St Mary from Trelawny as he doesnt have a car. I have opened myself up to him and offered to be his knight I suppose. I trust his heart and his sincerity. I told him that last time I was there. My friend asks me today, how much do I really know about this guy. cant say I know more then what he has told me, cant run a background search on him.
So I am torn, very torn. In relationships people do things to indicate thier commitment to someone. To be honest not meeting his mom or just recently seeing where he lives is not those things for me. I lived with a guy LIVED together and homeboy still went out and mananged to cheat and have a double life including having a baby while we LIVED together. So I feel like I am searching for the sign of committment. I have given homeboy the perfect opportunity to say well lets forget it. This weekend I left a message and said "listen I am not calling you anymore. I know Digicel be acting up but not that much. You want to talk call me" So of course he calls me the next day and tells me "he loves me and to make sure I am okay. Hell talk to me tonight when hes home from work." I didnt call and neither did he.
Told me once hes scared hes been left by parents by a girl he loved and oh look at that I did it once to him before. Maybe thats what he is scared of. But I feel like I am putting it out there. Showing him I am willing to take a chance with him with what we have. I have been burned many times and I am very jaded but I give every situation a chance still. Maybe thats why I keep getting burned. But I get burned but its only first degree as I dont stand around for crap. But am I not looking at it from his point of view? Truth be told everyone talks about what JA men are doing over there, he has no clue what I am doing here. And not to brag because I am very modest but when I am in JA there is rarely a time when a guy is not trying to talk to me, including when I am with him. He told me once dag if you come to JA I will lose you. At the wedding it was bad because there were these guys at a table and they were talking about how a woman like me could not be with a boy like him. He was so upset. I was like but hun i am here with you not them. So I say this to say he knows I am not some desperate lonely chick looking for love. Mi nah beg nah friend! But I dont look for quantity I look for quality!!! And just like my friend can say what do I know about him, his friends can say the same to him.
Im tired of trying to understand exactly what is going on. there are things I dont feel right about and if they are bothering me I have to look at it. I really want things to work and maybe they were going to fast. So I am going to just back off from him and see how he reacts. See how I react. Maybe I am caught up in the magic of it. I have a tendency to get bored at the 6 month and 2 year mark in my relationship. Well its been almost two years I met him and six months since we got back in contact!! Double Whammy!!!!! lol
He always told me hes different than other JA men and hes not trying to be like his father. Never asked me for anything and always said his goal is to succeed in Ja he is a Jamaican. I always hoped love would conquer all and maybe this is my life lesson to say there has got to be more then love. I mean he has made me a better person because I do rush to decisions sometimes. Hey I started here about how I was going to move to JA. That day I called him and said I am moving to JA. He talked me out of it and said I need to take time its not that easy. Maybe hes my lesson on taking it slow.