A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
>
>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>
>The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
>
>On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
>
>If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
>
>So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
>
>At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
>
>He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>
>Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
>
>
>1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
>2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
>8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
>9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
> stoned off his ass.
>10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for
> it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
>12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
>13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
> grub, Yeah God.
>14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
> peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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