Category Archives: Jokes

Leroy’s Homework

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy’s homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*

1. Hotel – I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate – My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb – I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose – If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum – I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment – My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis – I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel – Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..

9. Undermine – There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment  undermine.

10. Acoustic – When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq – When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain – My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on  stain for dinner?”

13. Fortify – I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she  say “fortify.”

14. Income – I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Big Bwoy an Gee Gee

One morning Big Bwoy did late fi school so ‘im ride ‘im father donkey, ‘Gee Gee’, go a school. Him did in such a hurry dat him nevah tie di donkey propaly. Well, guess wha happen? In di midst a spelling class, Gee Gee get loose. Big Bwoy frighten sotill wen him look out a di window an see di donkey a gallop wey.

Meanwhile, di teacher ask de class, ‘Children, how do you spell egg?’ Big Bwoy nah listen di teacher, him only waan di donkey fi stop, so him shout out, ‘EE GEE GEE!’.

Jamaican Technology

Group of men waiting outside ‘new inventions’ meeting room before it starts.

American, Englishman, and Jamaican.

A bleeper noise is heard, and the american looks at his shoulder, presses it and looks at the other two and says ‘ its my bleeper’,

The englishman raises the palm of his hand to his face and starts talkin, when he finishes he looks at the other two and says ‘ that was my mobile phone’

The Jamaican thought I dont want to get left behind with all this new high tech stuff, so he gets up and leaves the room, and returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his arse, the other two look at him, the Jamaican looks down and behind and says ‘ Oh!, I am recieving a fax’.

Jamaica

Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman.

Only in Jamaica, you’ll have police cars parked at rum bars.

Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.

Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill and bleach out dem skin wid toothpaste.

Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem operation and report warden to dem posse.

Only in Jamaica, bad boy hole up police station fi get back him bag a Ganja.

Only in Jamaica, the Airport people can tell yuh bout yuh bakside and there is nobody to report them to.

Only in Jamaica, when you go to a restaurant, the waiter tells you hold on so he can watch the football game.

Only in Jamaica, tief tie up security guard and steal him German Shepherd guard dog.

Only in Jamaica, country people a carry wood and water pon dem head, and have a cell phone pon dem waist.

Only in Jamaica, you can step up and step down in a bus same time.

Only in Jamaica, you can borrow somebody else’s side of the road fi drive pon till yours get better.

Only in Jamaica, the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem get.

Only in Jamaica, S.U.V. caan’ pass road test.

Only in Jamaica, you have bicycle-by shootings.

Only in Jamaica, the Gulf War still affect gas price.

Only in Jamaica, can a tief hold you up and ask you to walk wid more money the next time.

Only in Jamaica, Police go to arrest a tief and don’t have a handcuff.

Only in Jamaica, do you see a driver and a passenger in a cab sharing the same seat.

Only in Jamaica, police are afraid of criminals.

Only in Jamaica, is the greatest tourist attraction, a “Rent-a-Dread”.

Only in Jamaica, can the forecast look gloomy for the following day and the Prime Minister makes it a national holiday.

Only in Jamaica, can Ganja be the best form of agriculture in the country.

Only in Jamaica, can you be taxed for excessive use of oxygen.

Only in Jamaica, does everyone drive a deportee car and the less fortunate a Lada.

Only in Kingston, traffic is so bad dat you can reach work quicker walking dan driving.

Only in Jamaica, can you report a crime in progress and the police tell you to stop interrupting the domino game.

Only in Jamaica, firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water fi put out di fire.

You know you are in Jamaica when even the baddest D.J. becomes a Christian.

Yuh have pothole so big when yuh drop in, yuh caan come out.

You know you are in JA when someone is wearing a bubble jacket because “dem waan ina di lick”

You know you are in Jamaica when the last general election was called a bashment.

You know you are in Jamaica when it is 96 degrees and you need no shade…

Once upon a time every J’can come from Kingston, now dem seem to come from
everywhere but Kingston.

Nowhere else in the world could you go and find such peace of mind and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at the same time.

“Jamaica, Jamaica, Jamaica land we love”

A Materialistic Brotha

A Jamaican opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police(American)arrived at the scene, the Jamaican was complaining
bitterly about thedamage to his precious BMW.

“Awfissa, look wah dem do to mi Bimmah!”, he whined.
“You Jamaicans are so materialistic and Show-off, you make me sick!” retorted the officer.

“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Rahtid!!!,” Replied the Jamaican, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was…………. “Mi Rolex”

Dem West Indians

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.
“Well, I guin get a driver’s license,” he answered.

“Oh, doh listen to him,” yelled the Trini woman in the passenger’s seat…”He a smart ass when he drunk.”

This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned,”A cud tell we was not getin far in dis thiefin kar.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, “Yow!, I man mek it Crass di barder yet?”

They all were very nervous.

The patrolman said, “I always loved the island music but never understood the words. Here’s your voucher, have a nice day”.

Show-off Yardie

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law
school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up
the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this new client
when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He
motioned the man in, all the while talking.

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle
this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to
hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the
other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll
meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man,
“I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for
you?”

The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came
to hook up your phone.”