Jamaican Jokes Blog

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, “Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems!

They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are “styling”. Angels must have two wings to fly!

The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven’t washed their robes since they arrived because they don’t do “day’s work”. Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don’t like “ital” food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don’t fit right over their hairstyles. Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their “bashments”, disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile.

What should I do?!” The Lord said, “It wouldn’t be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don’t know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let’s call the Devil.”

The Devil answered the phone and said, “Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?” The Lord said, “We have a problem up here, and we’d like to talk to you about it.” The Devil said, “Just a minute, I’ve got to put you on hold.” The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, “OK Lord, I’m back. What’s up?” The Lord said, “Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here.” Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, “Lord, I am really sorry, but I can’t talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here … They have just put out the fire!”

After a hard day at work Puncie arrived home and walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with another woman. The woman was asleep but Puncie’s husband was awake and shaking with Fear of what Puncie would do.

Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, “Puncie, me lub,me sarry”. Puncie replied, “yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi don wid har. Den yu wi sarry!” Puncie’s husband said, “lawd Puncie man, no gwane so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima wey we drive? a she buy it gi mi.Yu si yu weddin ban an diaman ringpan yu finga, a fi har money me tek buy it gi yu. An a wey yu tink me get de money fi pay di magage dis month?” Puncie stopped for a few seconds to think then replied, “Den cova har up no? We no want har fi kech cole!!”

Romie looking exasperated threw one more pebble at the window. His frustration mounts and his patience is wearing thin)

Romie: Cho. Mi tell dis girl say me a come over after mi done play ball and she must leave di winda open and now she nuh deh yah. Mi is a man can’t tek badderation enuh. A what time now (peers at fake Rolex). Rahtid, half past nine. (Whispers loudly) Jules! Jules! Wait deh, see her light come on deh. Jules!

Julie: ( come to window half asleep) Romie? Romie? Wherefore art yuh deh? Oh baby. Deny yuh Puppa and refuse yuh name. And if yuh no want do that, swear say yuh love me ’cause I no longer want to be a Johnson.

Romie: (aside) Bwoy, this gal yah can chat yuh see man! My time fi talk now, give me a chance.

Julie: Is only yuh name me no like, Romie. What kind a last name you have, McIntyre? It sound like a burger in a car tire. Is not your hand, or yuh, foot, or yuh arm or yuh face that bother me (well, yuh face bother mi sometime), but is yuh name. Yuh know say, the Johnson dem nuh like the McIntyre dem and if mi father ketch yuh over yah him limb up yuh warra-it. But what’s in a name, my sweet Rom-Rom. Mi no care’bout yuh name. If yuh call a rose by any other name it will smell just as sweet. Nuh true.

Romie: Yuh a hear mi Jules, mi can’t take this foolishness no more. Big man haffi a hide and come check yuh a night time like a some punk. But mi a tell yuh the truth, anything mi can do fi wi stay together, mi will do. If mi haffi change mi name mi wi do that. (shouts) From now on mi no name McIntyre no more!

Julie: Shhhhh! Mi parents dem a sleep. No matter what yuh say yuh can’t change the fact that yuh come from McIntyre breed. And yuh better tek time talk, yuh no ‘fraid a mi bredda dem?

Romie: Jules, yuh more dangerous to me than all a fi dem cutlass and pick-ax. When a man check fi a woman yuh no know say it easy fi she hurt him.

Julie: Still, yuh better hope nobody no wake up. By the way, is how yuh get past the dog?

Romie: Who dah punk deh? Mi just gi him a piece a saltfish wha’ mi buy dung a Buddy shop. All tomorrow him still a chaw dat.

Julie: Well, is why yuh decide fi come over here tonight, knowing how mi people dem nuh like yuh.

Romie: (kneels on the ground) Well mi not even know how fi say this but mi love mi car, mi love mi bike, mi love mi money and ting but most of all me love mi Browning” (wipes away a tear) Is the fus ina mi life man have feelings fi cry. Yuh know yuh a mi Fresh Vegetable and mi no stop cry fi yuh.

Julie: (starts to cry too) Oh that’s so sweet, but first of all, yuh no have no car and the only transportation yuh have is the piece a bruck up fix-wheel bicycle yuh grandfather gi yuh. But mi still love yuh anyway. But “baby are you up for this, to give me all that loving so that I can turn and twist..”

Romie: Is how yuh a diss me so?

Julie: (giggles) A joke mi a mek (she turns away startled) Romie! Somebody a come, yuh better gwan before dem ketch yuh over here. Call me a work tomorrow y’hear. Bye love. (she ducks inside).

Romie: (whistling softly as he walks by the dog gnawing on a tough piece of saltfish) ” dem a go tired fi see mi face”.

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn’t have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque.

“But I paid you!” the Trinidadian shouted.

The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble…he let the Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.

“But I paid you!” The Barbadian shouted.

This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, “Sir… I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can’t understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don’t remember getting any money from them, so……..

Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly “Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem…jus gimme mi change!”

Tragically, three Jamaican friends die in a car crash a doctor,a teacher and a
hotelier, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.
Before being allowed to enter, they are each asked a
question by St. Peter. “When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?” asked St. Peter.
The doctor answered, “I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor and I took care of all my children”
The teacher said, “I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in children’s lives.
The hotelier replied, “I would like to hear them say,
“RAHTID! HIM A MOVE!!!!’”

The Titanic was about to set sail from Old harbor with hundreds aboard.
Fitzroy Brown said his goodbye to his wifie ‘ Awright baby Love ..tek care til mi come back yuh hear, yuh done know sey when mi reach a Englan’ an get mi paypas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice seen’

Wifie: OK mi love, tek care and mine yuh drown a sea, if mi hear sey yuh drown a gwine kill yuh, and Fitzroy memba fi sen dung some trang English pound fi mi an di pickney dem.

Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with a massive crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to the heavy base rydym as DJ Daag Heart spin di wickedest tunes on the “Sea Love” sound system.The “deckhall” crew was partying like it was 1949. The ship was owned an operated by the Pot-head Na*ve People (PNP) . The ship’s Captain was preoccupied with kissing up to the big spenders on the ship.

‘Hi Madam Portia Simpson, yuh looking lovely wid all dem gold a glisten roun yuh neck dowe an a soh yuh fat an rosey’.
‘ Hey PJ, let’s keep our fingers cross, no riots and deck blocks on the ship so far ah? (wink, wink)

PJ: Dat is because a don’t announce di fare increase yet.. but I will have Omar deal wid dat lata.

At the controls on the upper deck were SAMMY and RUPERT. Both had been drinking Guinness stout to keep awake as evident by the empty bottles rolling back and forth on the floor.
SAMMY: Di Blouze Naught place cold eeh Rasta …kiss mi neck!
RUPERT: Yuh tink a joke ..if mi teet dem noh tap rakkle ..mi boun’ fi loose all 13 a dem
SAMMY: A wonda how far wi deh now.. wi noh suppose to soon reach Englan’.. How much a’clack yuh have boss?
RUPERT: Half pass ten and wi tell di port autorities dem sey di ship suppose to dock roun 9:30..but wi noh too late ..9:30 is ?bout 11:30 Jamaican time.. soh wi pon track sed way.
SAMMY: A wha dat ova deyso ina di wata Rupert? (pointing)
RUPERT: Dah big sinting dey? ..It look like a one oversize snow cone. A wonda a wah?
SAMMY: Mi noh too sure but a one rahtid ugly looking sinting..yow mi a go ding di Captain. (He radios) Captain
Barkley ..one snow cone ina di way sar.what is we to do..’hova han hout ‘
CAPTAIN: Bwaay a weh yuh a tell mi sey? Snow cone? Ina sea?
SAMMY: Come look pan it den noh sar.. afta mi noh know a what it is sar.
The Ccaptain appeared on deck and upon seeing the culprit he yelled: Kiss mi false teet! ICEBERG ICEBERG!!! BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN!!
RUPERT: But if a iceberg sar, what blowing di harn gwine do..It nat gwine move outa di way!
CAPTAIN: Bwaay don’t back ansa mi, mi she BLOW DI HARN! ..so he did as told
SAMMY: Captain Barkley mi have a betta idea sah.. why wi noh jus lock up di steering wheel and cock di ship pan di side.
CAPTAIN: Awright do yu bes and mek sure yuh noh lick up mi ship pan dah sinting deh cause it noh insure an memba seh unu a navigate unda suspended license so do - tek unu time.

Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right. The ship was by now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on top of each other * Some panicked: ‘Oye Driva Tek time roun di carna noh man. Try yuh bbes jus let mi aff mek mi ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inya’

Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the ship came dangerously close to the iceberg. The Captain trembled: ‘Eternal fada bless our land.. RUPERT and SAMMY unu sey a likkle praya caus wi bout fi si pinnie walli up inya*

SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn’, wi dun safe .wi a go mek it man .. a years mi a drive ship! And so as Sammy predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.
RUPERT: Respec! ..what a wicked one wheelie dat was.. kiss mi cockafart! Di Captn piss im pants! They all laughed and hugged and dapped fist as a sign of relief.
The CAPTAIN spoke in the intercom: Ladies an genklemen ,dis is your Captain speaking we about to land ..a mean about to dock in about anodda half hour. Sit tightly and tank unu for sailing the Titanic..your continued patronage is always welcome.

A Jamaican buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced “a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds.”
Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” are heard. A woman faints due
to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says “Say, you’re the father of the typical Jamaican baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Fifteen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. “Why? What happened? I thought you said he weighed 20 pounds at birth?”

The Jamaican father takes a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says,
“We had him circumcised.”

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.

POOF!

A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. “Vey!” he said. “Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?”

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. “Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I’ll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins”.

“Well,” said the Jamaican after some consideration “I’d like to be white and surrounded by women.”

“No problem” said the Genie.

POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there’s always a string attached.