1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..

9. Undermine - There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment  undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on  stain for dinner?”

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she  say “fortify.”

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Meanwhile, di teacher ask de class, ‘Children, how do you spell egg?’ Big Bwoy nah listen di teacher, him only waan di donkey fi stop, so him shout out, ‘EE GEE GEE!’.

American, Englishman, and Jamaican.

A bleeper noise is heard, and the american looks at his shoulder, presses it and looks at the other two and says ‘ its my bleeper’,

The englishman raises the palm of his hand to his face and starts talkin, when he finishes he looks at the other two and says ‘ that was my mobile phone’

The Jamaican thought I dont want to get left behind with all this new high tech stuff, so he gets up and leaves the room, and returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his arse, the other two look at him, the Jamaican looks down and behind and says ‘ Oh!, I am recieving a fax’.

Only in Jamaica, you’ll have police cars parked at rum bars.

Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.

Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill and bleach out dem skin wid toothpaste.

Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem operation and report warden to dem posse.

Only in Jamaica, bad boy hole up police station fi get back him bag a Ganja.

Only in Jamaica, the Airport people can tell yuh bout yuh bakside and there is nobody to report them to.

Only in Jamaica, when you go to a restaurant, the waiter tells you hold on so he can watch the football game.

Only in Jamaica, tief tie up security guard and steal him German Shepherd guard dog.

Only in Jamaica, country people a carry wood and water pon dem head, and have a cell phone pon dem waist.

Only in Jamaica, you can step up and step down in a bus same time.

Only in Jamaica, you can borrow somebody else’s side of the road fi drive pon till yours get better.

Only in Jamaica, the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem get.

Only in Jamaica, S.U.V. caan’ pass road test.

Only in Jamaica, you have bicycle-by shootings.

Only in Jamaica, the Gulf War still affect gas price.

Only in Jamaica, can a tief hold you up and ask you to walk wid more money the next time.

Only in Jamaica, Police go to arrest a tief and don’t have a handcuff.

Only in Jamaica, do you see a driver and a passenger in a cab sharing the same seat.

Only in Jamaica, police are afraid of criminals.

Only in Jamaica, is the greatest tourist attraction, a “Rent-a-Dread”.

Only in Jamaica, can the forecast look gloomy for the following day and the Prime Minister makes it a national holiday.

Only in Jamaica, can Ganja be the best form of agriculture in the country.

Only in Jamaica, can you be taxed for excessive use of oxygen.

Only in Jamaica, does everyone drive a deportee car and the less fortunate a Lada.

Only in Kingston, traffic is so bad dat you can reach work quicker walking dan driving.

Only in Jamaica, can you report a crime in progress and the police tell you to stop interrupting the domino game.

Only in Jamaica, firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water fi put out di fire.

You know you are in Jamaica when even the baddest D.J. becomes a Christian.

Yuh have pothole so big when yuh drop in, yuh caan come out.

You know you are in JA when someone is wearing a bubble jacket because “dem waan ina di lick”

You know you are in Jamaica when the last general election was called a bashment.

You know you are in Jamaica when it is 96 degrees and you need no shade…

Once upon a time every J’can come from Kingston, now dem seem to come from
everywhere but Kingston.

Nowhere else in the world could you go and find such peace of mind and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at the same time.

“Jamaica, Jamaica, Jamaica land we love”

When the police(American)arrived at the scene, the Jamaican was complaining
bitterly about thedamage to his precious BMW.

“Awfissa, look wah dem do to mi Bimmah!”, he whined.
“You Jamaicans are so materialistic and Show-off, you make me sick!” retorted the officer.

“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Rahtid!!!,” Replied the Jamaican, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was…………. “Mi Rolex”

“What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.
“Well, I guin get a driver’s license,” he answered.

“Oh, doh listen to him,” yelled the Trini woman in the passenger’s seat…”He a smart ass when he drunk.”

This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned,”A cud tell we was not getin far in dis thiefin kar.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, “Yow!, I man mek it Crass di barder yet?”

They all were very nervous.

The patrolman said, “I always loved the island music but never understood the words. Here’s your voucher, have a nice day”.

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle
this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to
hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the
other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll
meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man,
“I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for
you?”

The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came
to hook up your phone.”

“Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner. Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady
wha mek de high culcha frock dem. Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf
a likkle fry fish shop further down), and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop. Is fi him girlfren niece who know de address of the guy wha live near to de chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike. After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid de four bad mongrel dawg dem.

(Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey). Knock pon de winda five time and Miss
Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem
cum back). Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike.

Him is a nice bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe. But
hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas’. Him don’t haf him licence
yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike. Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead
gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and mine yu no bruk yu foot, den
tun lef’, and yu see de shop. It easy; yu caan miss it.”

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - An American man, a English Man and a Jamaican man.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The American said.”You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried blokes, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the Jamaican’s turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “Unnuh nevah tell mi di bloodclat gun was loaded wid blanks…. mi di haffi to beat har pussyclat to death wid di raass chair!”